Love Languages – How we communicate our feelings – Prt 1

WARNING, This message contains adult content! We will be talking about the needs of actual human beings.

I’m not going to be talking about what we used to call “Mommy Parts and Daddy Parts” when we talked to the kids, but if we are going to talk about the marriage relationship then human sexuality must be discussed. It is spoken of in the Bible. We are real people and we are talking about real human relationships. I promise I will not get gross, but I will be talking about the needs of actual human beings.

So what have we learned so far.

We have learned the people are different.


·       Godly perspective

o   God Loves through relationships

o   God exist in relationship

o   God ordained human relationships to be almost as important as relationship to Him

o   God created marriage to make man and woman part of a relationship that makes them one flesh



·       People are different

o   People speak differently.

o   People are motivated by different things.

o   People think differently.

o   People react differently to others behavior.

o   People having the same experience feel and react in different ways.

…All of this in the same home and living in the same world. So why are we so amazed that we occasionally clash?

[Play “Fireproof” argument video]

How many of you think those two people don’t Love each other?

Do you think they really want to be separated or do you think they are lost and lonely? Lost and lonely in a house with someone they long for.

It is amazing how we can live in the same house with each other, eat the same food, go to the same church, have the same friends, and yet…

We are so different.

If we are not careful we can begin to think that our spouse is doing it on purpose. But we would never think that about anything else in our life. We become so familiar with each other that we begin to place very bizarre expectations on our spouse. Expectations we wouldn’t put on anyone or anything else.




Let’s look at how different this is and how we treat our spouse or family different. Let’s use plants or pets as an example.

If I were to consider that plants have primary needs they would be different than human needs; right? So in this case let’s use sunlight, water, and good soil. 

What would happen if I took a plant out of the sunlight for a while? Would it die right away? What about if I stopped watering it? In fact you might think that plants can live without sunlight or water if you just watched it one for a few days.

But without water this plant will begin to droop within a couple of days and within 6-7 days it will be dead.  Even with good soil it would not last long much longer.

Without sunlight it may die in as little as 3 days.

We count on these plants for food don’t we? We need them to thrive and if they thrive they will produce far more fruit.

So if it stopped producing fruit for a few weeks would our reaction be to stop watering it?  Would we take it from the sunlight?

“That plant is just being mean. It doesn’t Love me. I’m not wasting my water and sunlight there. It knows I need a tomato for this recipe, but it is just keeping them from me.”

When a plant begins to wilt or look funny we give it extra attention. We read about how to perk it back up. We might find out about some cool thing we can add to the watering can that will make it produce more. We read about the zone it should be in and we adjust the sunlight we allow it to have to make sure it is just right.

So why is it that when our spouses begin to wilt, we begin to withdraw the things that comfort them? When our spouses stop feeding us, we stop feeding them?

Part of it is because we think they are doing it on purpose isn’t it? We think that plants are sick or not getting something they need and since they are helpless we must help them come back to health. But humans just want to hurt us. They don’t Love us like they did. They have someone else.

Here is some good news, but hard to take… They are probably not getting enough water and sunshine.

A husband or wife who feels your Love will begin to bear fruit. They will be your water and sunshine.

Someone has to go first…


Obviously we aren’t talking about actual sunshine and water, so how do we quantify what people need to grow and feel Loved?


There is a Doctor, a counselor, by the name of Gary Chapman who has studied people and has boiled the ways we feel and give Love down to five forms that he calls Love Languages. He cover all of this in his book “The Five Love Languages”.

The analogy he uses is a bucket. He says we all have a Love bucket that reflects how Loved we feel. If our Love bucket is full we will be happy and content in our relationships. If our Love bucket is empty then we will feel abandoned and unloved.

When it comes to feeling Loved it really doesn’t matter how much we are Loved, what matters is how much we perceive this Love.  We only put things in our Love bucket that make us feel Loved. The things that are said or done for us or with us that make us feel Loved, those are our Love Languages.  It is how we speak and hear Love from others.


The five languages Dr. Chapman categorized are:

·       Touch

·       Words of Affirmation

·       Gifts

·       Acts of Service

·       Quality Time

Now fella’s before we go any farther, yes I know you have one picked out. Touch?

Funny thing is that the ladies generally have one picked out too.

Quality Time?

But let’s not mistake our natural traits as men and women as being the topic of the Five Love Languages.




Jimmy Evans in the book “Marriage on the Rock” puts it this way.  As Men and Women we all have very basic needs.

At a basic level women MUST HAVE communication and security from their mate, and men MUST HAVE honor and sexual release from their mate. If you aren’t meeting those basic needs for your spouse then understand that they no amount of water and sunshine is going to make things right.

Men, If you wife doesn’t feel like you want to communicate with her then she will never feel secure that you are a part of her. If your wife doesn’t feel safe and secure in your relationship and home then she will never feel free to be open with you. If she never feels safe and secure in your relationship then she will never be able to be what the Bible called “naked and unashamed”.   Gentlemen, are we track’n!

Ladies, If your husband never feels that you respect him or that you can give him honor in his own household then he will always be trying to gain that honor somehow. Even at the expense of not being liked.  If you cannot find a way to meet your husband’s need for sexual relief you will have a caged animal on your hands that will grow deeper and deeper apart from you. Instead of being naked and open to you he will be a more and more closed. He may seek to solve the problems himself. Ladies, are we track’n!

1 Corinthians 7:3

3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.

We are also not talking about the euphoric kind of love that we feel when we first fall ‘in love’ with someone. That intoxicating and blinding kind of love is great. But Dr. Chapman’s research tells us the it will only last 2 years at best.


How long did God intend marriage to last?

Mark 10:1-9

1Jesus then left that place and went into the region of Judea and across the Jordan. Again crowds of people came to him, and as was his custom, he taught them.

 2Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”

 3″What did Moses command you?” he replied.

 4They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”

 5″It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. 6″But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ 7’For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. 9Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”



Pastor Todd said since I got a divorce that I can’t be a Christian. I said no such thing. I said that you are to treasure you current or future spouse like they part of your flesh, “what God has joined together, let man not separate.” You find no accuser here… Move on… “go and sin no more”.

What we are talking about tonight it what makes us all unique. What is that thing that makes us feel like someone is giving us Love; What builds a forever marriage.

These Languages are like personality types. No one speaks just one language. We will find that we all have more than one and that on some level we all understand the others. But make no mistake when it comes to feeling Loved we all need our primary language spoken above and beyond our basic needs as men and women and far beyond the intoxication of young love.

What is your Love Language? We are going to find that a little differently than we found our personality type and our thought pattern. I want your spouse to spot you in these lists. We are going to try to get through a couple tonight and three more next week. So here we go.





The first language we are going to talk about is Touch.

Let’s go over some things that would be true about you if your love language is touch.

·       I greet almost everyone with a hug or warm handshake. (Yes/No)

·       When talking to people, I often reach out and touch them. (Yes/No)

·       I don’t need a large area of personal space, I like to be close to people. (Yes/No)

·       I’m known for giving great back rubs or playful tickles.    (Yes/No)

·       I love to daydream and replay my sweetheart’s kisses during the day. (Yes/No)

·       I’ll do almost anything for you if you snuggle with me or play with my hair. (Yes/No)

You see the love language of touch is not just what the carnal mind might think. The person whose love language is touch does feel love through sexual touch, but that is only a part of this language.



Touch includes:

·       Holding hands as you walk

·       Rubbing their shoulders

·       Sitting close on the couch when watching a movie

·       Hugs

·       Kisses

·       Spooning

What is happening for you partner during these times is they are becoming connected mentally and emotionally through this touch. At some primal level this connection fuses them to you.

Let’s stop for a minute and be real. If this is your primary Love language you may not believe what I am about to say, but for someone in this room the idea of touch is making them very uncomfortable.  For you being in a crowd of people is like being at home, for them this idea is actually scary. For them the idea of you walking up and rubbing their shoulders gives them the creeps. Now imagine for them the idea of trying to do this for you.  Now let’s add the factor that so many of us have a bad body image and the idea of having people touch us can be horrifying.

So be patient with them as they learn to Love you as you need loved. 

Reality break number 2.  Guys… There is nothing loving about grabbing or groping.  If you want to kill the possibility of a loving evening together cuddling and more… just grab.

Touch as a Love Language is about connecting with that tender side of Love. It is about demonstrating warmth. Jesus touched people again and again in His ministry. He touched that blind and made them see. He touched the sick to make them well. He touched the dead to make them live.  As Jesus sat at the home of a Pharisee a woman came in and wiped his feet with her tears and her hair. She anointed him with expensive perfume. Jesus said of her that what she had been fogiven, “she Loved much”. (Luke 7:47)   

If your Loved one’s Primary Love language is touch here are some ideas for simple ways you can fill their Love Tank.

Touch Language Ideas

·       Hold Hands while you walk together

·       Sit with them and hold them close while watching TV

·       Slow Dance

·       Never miss a kiss goodbye

·       Spoon at bedtime

·       Massage

Reality break number 3: If your sweety starts the evening spooning with you and then must roll over to sleep, thank them for spending some time laying with you. Recognize that they wanted to spend that time with you.



Quality Time

Let’s go over some things that would be true about you if your Love Language is Quality Time.

God is a lover of quality time. He offers it to us. He tells us, “I will never leave you: never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5) “Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20) He longs for it from us. “”If my people, which are called by My name shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from Heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.” – 2 Chronicles 7:14

·       I love Christmas when we get to spend the whole day together with family. (Yes/No)

·       I don’t need fancy gifts and services – I just want my sweetheart to hang out with me. (Yes/No)

·       I really enjoy getting snowed in together for a day or two.(Yes/No)

·       I would feel incredibly special if my spouse took a day off work to be with me. (Yes/No)

·       I like sitting together, watching the sunset, and talking about our dreams. (Yes/No)

·       I feel so encouraged when we work together. (Yes/No)

If Quality Time isn’t your primary Love Language this one can be tough to quantify. It isn’t like touch or a gift. You can’t see it or touch it. It isn’t even able to be seen.  Worst of all it isn’t even like you could say that you did spend the whole day together. It really more about the way that time is spent.

Like touch, quality time is more about the kind of time that is spent. It doesn’t cost a thing. It doesn’t have to be about some fancy dinner or some big vacation. What matters to people who speak this language is that your time and attention be devoted to them.


Quality Time includes:

·       Getting away for the weekend

·       Going site seeing

·       Playing a game just the two of you

·       Stay in bed late together on a Saturday Morning dozing, talking, and other things

The problem with this Love Language is that it can be very hard to stay on top of.

“Did that count as quality time?”

“Did that make you feel loved?”

If this is not your language it can be tough to feel your way through this area.  For someone who is more about activity or getting gifts it can be hard to recognize that they are not stopping, slowing down, and dedicating personal time. 

You see quality time doesn’t mean playing tennis together if that time is spent trying to win a game. It doesn’t mean taking a class together unless it means that you will spend time talking and sharing the experience. It actually can mean doing the dishes together if that time is spent alone talking about your day and sharing your thoughts. It actually can mean laying in bed on a Saturday morning saying nothing and even doing nothing.   

Time Language Ideas

·       Send the kids away and rent a movie at home

·       Bake something together

·       Go antiquing

·       Take a get-away trip

·       Plan a home improvement project and do it together


Next week we are going to cover

·       Words of Affirmation

·       Gifts

·       Acts of Service



About toddcbrown

The body of Christ will never grow if the Pastor is the one using his gifts to MAKE IT grow through some cool program or inspiring turn of a phrase.
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